| ellen hopkins |
[24 Jan 2005|09:58am] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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music |
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the moody blues - nights in white satin |
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"So you want to hear the whole story. Why I swerved off the high road, hard left to nowhere, recklessly indifferent to those coughing my dust, I picked up speed no limits, no top end, just a high velocity rush to madness."
-Crank
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(i'd be shining.)
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[06 Jan 2005|11:08pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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simon and garfunckal - sounds of silence |
] |
i love jeff kegler
but i'm loosing everyone else
literally everyone...
peace woman
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(1 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[28 Dec 2004|04:00pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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pink flyod - breathe |
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i always get what i want, now that i got it i don't know if i want it any more.
kegler's way too attached and it's just fucking wierd
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(5 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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| vigilantes |
[02 Dec 2004|11:11am] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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give me novacaine - green day |
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i'm so happy i found kegler. we're compable to say the least. last night he asked if we were "a couple" i said "i duno, we are what we are" and we left it at that. i feel like i've known i'm a hell of a long time when in reality it's been quite a short period of time. he's awesome
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(4 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[28 Nov 2004|11:18pm] |
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mood |
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awesome |
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music |
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oar - crazy game of poker |
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wow what a vacation. spent it jumping up and down on gray bridge with 2 cops tommy cyone and rissa, we all talked about night vision and we all laughed and shook hands and had ourselves a grand ol' time. rissa was fuckin nuts 2 nights ago, ahha it was so fun. SAN LAZARO. I LOVE COLLEEN MAHONEY, she's takingme to holiday and there apears to be come controvercy about it. any way today kegler picked me up and we stopped at his house, went to the mall, went to target to harass tober and i stuffed a dollar down her shirt, then we went to see "Saw" (i doint get it) then we went to montanas then we drove around and chilled. then he dropped me off and kissed me good-bye. how cute, na he's really an awesome guy. hippy to the max as well thats always a plus, i'm going to his christmas p[arty at work with him and a new years party :) awesome i can't wait he's so nice and fun to be around.
i wonder if ill sleep tonight that movie gave me a fright!
people have been so nice to me i really appreciate it. word
peace <3
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(1 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[11 Nov 2004|12:40pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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greenday - jesus of suburbia |
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so i went to the greenday concert last firday - awesome. billy joe armstong had an orgasim on stage it was awesome ahha.
nothing really happend this week or nothing that i can recall at least. OH YEA! aha well was at the park and got sent home by the cops, people were crying but i thought it was funny...but then again nothing that night could really bother me (E) :) aha apparently justin skinner wants me, i wanna talk to jeff kegler see how he's doing
last night i slept at morrisons, ktQ'S BIRTHDAY! i bought her beer.
conner ktq col and i hadda fight for 2 beds so it was me and col in one then no one in the other and then col knocked me on the ground?
we all woke up at 530 and i went home at 6 and woke up now.
tober smells good.
WELL ARE THEY ANGELS OR ARE THEY FAIRIES?!?!
aha oh yea rissa's mom's boyfriend came into reilly's and gave me his number so he can take me to jamacia.....ew
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(9 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[25 Oct 2004|04:51pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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death cab |
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x. my father thinks i am : not doing enough
x. my mother thinks i am : skizo
x. my grandma thinks i am : beautiful
x. your three best qualities : caring, insightful, artistic
x. three worst qualities : stubborn, lazy, mean?
x. three things you are often complimented for : personality, art work
x. a compliment you got that made you blush: YOU'RE SEXY!.
x. you get embarrassed when: am wrong
x. what makes you happy: snowboarding
x. upsets you : other people's ignorance :'( mike
Yes/No...?:
x. you keep a diary : this is it
x. you like to cook : i can hardly boil water
x. you have a secret you have not shared with anyone : maybe
x. you fold your underwear : no, it's not big enough to...ohhhh!
x. you talk in your sleep : no
x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead : no
x. you believe in love : yea
Last..:
x. movie you rented : mony python holy grail
x. movie you bought : none
x. song you listened to : death cab for cutie
x. song that was stuck in your head : death cab for cutie
x. song you've downloaded : death cab for cutie
x. CD you bought : elitot - song in the air
x. CD you listened to : my mike break up mix aha
x. person you've called : colleen
x. person that's called you : rissa
x. TV show you've watched : simpsons
x. person you were thinking of : mike, i can't stop
x. you wish you could live somewhere else : somewhere i could snowboard all the time
x. you think about suicide : not anymore.
x. others find you attractive : some
x. you want more piercings : hell yea
x. you want more tattoos : no
x. you drink : as a last resort
x. you do drugs : as a last resort
x. you smoke : cigs no? other : as a last resort
x. you like cleaning : no
x. you like roller coasters: yea
x. you write in cursive or print: print
x. you carry a donor card : ew no
x. you have a crush on somebody: texas, casey
x. ever cried over a boy/girl : still do
x. ever lied to someone : yes.
x. ever been in a fist fight : no.
x. ever been arrested : no.
What...?:
x. shampoo do you use: duno
x. perfume/cologne do you use : vicky secs
x. shoes do you wear : vans.
x. are you scared of : giving blood
Number:
x. of times you have been in love : i think 2
x. of times you have had your heart broken : 2
x. of hearts you have broken : ZERO
x. of guys/girls you have kissed : 9+
x. of people you consider your enemies : hmm i think that linsey girl hates me and i'm sure there's others
x. of CDs' that you own : i duno
x. of times your name has appeared in the newspaper : couple for soccer
With The Opposite Sex...?:
x. what do you notice first : eyes
x. last person you slow danced with : alex
Who...?:
x. makes you laugh : kate worth
x. makes you smile : colleen
x. do you have a crush on : texas and casey
x. has a crush on you : no ONE
x. is the easiest to talk to : rissa/ col
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(18 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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| There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade |
[20 Oct 2004|06:38pm] |
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mood |
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 quixotic |
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music |
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death cab for cutie - title and registration |
] |
Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.
I talked to Mike. he told me very bluntly that he doesn't wanna get back together, he just wants to have a good time and hook up with lots of other girls. maybe i had to hear it from him. H is/was an awesome guy, i put out the good word for him any day unfourtunetly i have to forget about him for quite some time.
Homecomming was allright. i wish we woulda went to south buffalo instead of tim walshs house. theres' mad horny people there and at the dance. kinda wierd. andy motriz wants to hang out? carly and bigs want to hook me up with cudney, thats the last thing i need right now.
i feel so bad my two best friends are in terrible situations. col is a wreck over caufield and meg lee. she's such a good person and if there's any one out there who doesn't deserve to get hurt, it's her. she stayed over monday night cause she couldn't handle going home. poor girl. i love her.
rissa and mary broke up. it's so sad, or at least it was. rissa was so good to her. i hope ONE DAY rissa will find someone suitable for her cause benith it all she really is awesome as all hell. she's gunna be ok at some point. i also love her.
i guess i had to hear it so plain and simple from him, now i know what i have to work with and it's nothing but at least i know not to dwell on it any more. i loved him...
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night
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(2 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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| what do you do when you lost one of ur one and onlys? |
[14 Oct 2004|09:55am] |
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mood |
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burnt out |
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music |
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something coperate - konstantine |
] |
My Konstantine
Spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
And i said
Did you know i missed you?
Oh god i miss you
i guess everything's ok. i relly miss mike. i love him, how can i help it? i called rissa up sunday night drunk and high as a kite and just said stupid but honest shit. i told her how much i just wish everything would be ok between mike and i but i know it's not gunna happen. for some reason he like hates me now or something and i guess i should hate him to and in a sense i do. poor alexia. i just talked to her. poor gir.
how am i stupid? my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. I still love him and i can't help it!!!@!!!!!REG fuck i'm pissed
Why are you so far away?
Why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?
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(1 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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| I want you to know what you put me through... |
[08 Oct 2004|08:46pm] |
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mood |
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defeated |
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music |
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bouncing souls - night train |
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Goodbye to me and you.
Goodbye to the life we knew.
One last long embrace.
Let go and walk on through.
I'm leaving everything behind for a peace that I can't find.
The ghosts that roam this house
like winter air right through our souls.
And it feels like dying.
It just feels like time to go.
Goin down south to dream another dream.
Maybe check out Memphis, Tennessee.
Take the night train and an extra pair of jeans.
Can't think of anything else I really need.
And all my experiences ride with me.
This town is dead to me.
And I can't stop chasing my dreams.
I love you more than anything.
But what you want I could never be.
I love you more than anything,
but only alone can we both be free.
Goodbye to me and you.
Goodbye to the life we knew.
Wipe the tears from your eyes.
Let go and walk on through.
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(i'd be shining.)
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[04 Oct 2004|09:57am] |
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mood |
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nothing |
] |
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music |
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sublime- get out! |
] |
"Who am I to judge your struggle down?"
-thats all i got to say. i've said it all before so that's it. i hope you get out ok. i love you
-kate webster
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(2 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[30 Sep 2004|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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brand new - 70 x 7 |
] |
So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield
Everything is allright now. i'm all good. rissa is cool. i love colleen mahoney. we both agreed that we would become lesbians over each other. i thought it was funny. i'm going to canisus homecomming with alex caldiero. thats should be fun, he's a fun kid. i need a dress. gym was funny today i found a plate of brownies that were for someones birthday and me and ktq ate them all. i duno who i'm gunna take to ring day, it's in november, ill find someone eventually. it better be fun cause if it's gay.... i'm pretty ok now. i'm at the point where i'd almost prefer to not see him. part of me whats to help pull him back from oblivion so he can see what he has done cause i don't think he comprehends the severity of it all and a part of me just wants him to not be my guilty conscience any more. i have no life this weekend i gotta work every day 5-10 god damnit! but maybe if everyone's over at nagy's i can go there after work and bring my guiness!!!!! i cannot wait to snowboard. morrison nagy annd i have this plan that WILL succeed. we're gunna go down to vermont thanksgiving weekend or whatever and stay in this resort thingy and just fucking board our brains out. there's gunna be 19 ft of snow. the tops of trees look like lil shrubs, mind boggling isn't it? i hope i can go. mercy is 2nd place as far as soccer goes, we gotta beat mt st marys but i doubt it and i can't say that i care either way. oh yea i'm getting kicked outta my math class cause my average is a 40! aha
im gunne be allright
peace bitches
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(i'd be shining.)
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| You were pushing me away... |
[28 Sep 2004|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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complacent |
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music |
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brand new - no seatbelt song |
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i wish you would stop pushing me away. everyone plus myself watchs you turn into something so out of your character and it's really affecting alot more people than you think. you mean something to everyone and why you would throw EVERYTHING away like this is beyond me. you've got so much potential to do something great and yet you're wasteing away before my eyes. this isn't about specifically OUR relationship. YOU need to look out for your self and obtain some self control. i try and be there for you and you refuse it. you're in denial. it's not just me i gotta alota people behind me and it's not that we're against you. we're trying to help you before the hole u dig is too big to get out of. you want nothing and you think it's normal? no ambition once so ever. i'm not gunna give up on you. you mean too much to me dispite all the shit that you've done to me. everyone is behind you. you need to move on, get out of denial and accept what you're doing to yourself and CHANGE BACK TO WHO YOU USED TO BE. everyone misses the old mike, no one's inmpressed with the figure that has taken your place. i love you despite this all.
peace
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(1 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[23 Sep 2004|10:23am] |
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mood |
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 strong |
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music |
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rem - electrolite |
] |
so i guess mike and i are broken up, for the time being any way. i don't really understand our situation but then again maybe i'm not supposed to. i guess for now i just need to distract myself. i feel very depressed at times and then strong other times. i owe alota to my friends especailly riss col and mary and anita. i didnn't want to beleive what rissa said because it was the truth but how can i live a lie? she helped me make a collage today for my art coarse and it's entitled "goodbye" and it's all about mike and everything. she says this will be good because i can get all my emotion outa me and on to the paper and then i can move on. everyone has helped me through my pathedicness and i appreciate it very much.
don't get me wrong: i love mike defranco so much and would do anything for us to get back together cause i think we're very compatable but if it's not working out for him right now there's nothing i can do except be there for him i guess. he knows i love him too there's no question there. he says he loves me too but how can that be. however i need to focus on me being ok before i can focus on anything or any one else.
Your eyes are buring holes through me
And I'm not scared
I'm outta here
if you see me i'm either crying or on the verge of tears so i'd apprecaite a hug aha thanks
peace
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(3 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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| i look like i'm stoned, but i'm just depressed beyond belief |
[15 Sep 2004|10:38pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
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music |
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hows it gunna be - 3rd eye blind |
] |
so today in the morning i was all happy talking to rissa about how i was so happy i was gunna call mike when i got home and see if we could get back together today. so second block i go to the libary and read my l.j. and friends...i read becca's and threw up. i had nothing to throw but something came out, something like my heart. i can't beleive it. i never thought someone i loved would have that intention?
he says he needs like a couple weeks but i know he'll forget about me and move on or at least i suspect that he will.
so i tried to shake it off but i couldn't look at any one or do anything with out criing my fucking head off so i made a desperate call home and my mom picked me up. he has no clue what he's doing to me or else he wouldn't do it.
i din't tell mrs. defranco any thing at all actually i don't even remeber the last time she picked up the phone at his house. so what do u want from me? want me to forget about you? not gunna happen. or what if i do? would it even affect you at all? i'm so fucking lost. this weekend i wanna get fuckin high or drunk as hell cause this reality is a nightmare. i feel so betrayed
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(4 if hemp was bling | i'd be shining.)
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[13 Sep 2004|10:05pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
] |
i just called mike but he was sleeping. i was gunna see if he wanted to get back together or not. today i decided, during my soccer game when i just couldn't focus, that i love mike no matter what and that's enough. i love him. he's better to me than zack. i love him and that's all that matters to me now.
jesus i hope he loves me too and wants to get back together. if he doesn't then thats gunna really suck
i love you mike defranco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
peace
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(i'd be shining.)
|
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